Friday, February 25, 2011

The End

Well, it isn't really, THE END, but I have hit a point in this crazy senior year, when this song continues to be on replay in my mind. It is almost March, we are still in the winter of the never ending ice storms, snow storms and freeze your butt of cold, and we are beginning to gain momentum to graduation.

In my ever changing moods, I have lived in denial that this time frame would sweep in and capture our lives. How did I go from walking a cute preschooler into her first day of preschool to watching her cheer her last Varsity home game, ever? Who knew that time could move so quickly.

Bittersweet is the perfect term for what a parent feels at this point in time. On one hand, I look at this beautiful, amazing, energetic, argumentative ball of energy that is becoming a woman and I beam with pride! Then, my mind shifts back to newborn days, toddler days, milestones, each year in school, the years that I thought I would pull my hair out, the years that were so happy, and it all gets jumbled up. How did we go from her playing in her bathtub and piling bubbles on her head to the very confident, ready to take on the world girl?

I have seen the changes coming for the past couple of years and it really hit home when she started driving and got her car, last year. She was gaining more independence, and in a sense, so was I. She was shifting gears to move up in her life, more, and I was shifting gears as I had to figure out my new role as mom. Her independence has driven me to my independence in so many ways. It was the year that I got to become moi, again. I no longer needed to hold a hand, wipe a tear, clean up spilled juice. Well, okay, there are other kinds of tears and other kinds of spills, but you get what I am saying. So, I also took back my life, started a business, getting ready to start another buiness, took back my fashion, my music, I am me. I mean, I have been me, my whole life, but my role changed over the years and now I am back.

I feel like we are two women on the brink of upcoming adventures. Her next adventure will be saying hello to college, campus life, a roommate, a possible sorority. It will be like entering into the scary doors of preschool, again, but without her mom. My next adventure will be an open canvas along with my already in progress adventures. It is exciting for both of us and yet scary, mind numbing and tear inducing, for me.

She has become the young woman I had hoped she would. When she was a baby, I would sit and rock her in her Grateful Dead inspired nursery and I would dream of the kind of young woman she would become. Now, I sit, alone, and dream of how I hope the next phase of her life will be and what kind of woman she will become. My job is not ending, I just have to hope that she can carry on with the path that I have set forth for her, without me to constantly guide.

So, as I sit and watch her lasts, right now...her last games, her last cheer competitions, her upcoming last prom, I have to remember that the end is not really the end. The end is just a beginning to new firsts that will eventually end, too, and go on and on. I have learned that life is all beginnings and endings. I guess that is what makes it all so special and why each moment needs to be captured and enjoyed.

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