Thursday, May 6, 2010

Little Less Conversation

I think that there comes a time in all of our lives when we feel the need to go through and evaluate people in our lives. Sometimes we do this in friendships, sometimes we do this in a marriage, sometimes we do this with a doctor or a dentist and sometimes we are forced to do it with, gasp, a hairstylist. I say the last one only with a small amount of humor because I NEED my very competent hairstylist. Just ask Mr. Anyway, these situations all usually stem from growing apart, having an argument, losing the love, just not working for you.

Then, as I am finding in my ever changing moods, there is the person that you just don't know what to do with or how to place them in your life. The older I get, the easier it is to look at all of my present relationships and sort out my feelings and deal accordingly. But, there is one stumbling block that always pops up and makes me wonder....where do you put someone who was friend/enemy/frenemy/arse? I know, I know, the easy solution is to do the big slice out of your life. But, in some instances, it's not that simple. And that makes it tough for this black and white girl. I tend not to like the gray area. I like everything one way or the other but not limbo. It sounds a bit rigid but it is how my mind works in these situations. I have to, because of underlying issues, continue in a relationship with this person but it baffles me as to how to act around and towards this situation.

It makes it harder when this person only listens to herself. She toots her own horn, her kids are perfect, she feels she is so intelligent, she doesn't listen. And, if she seems to be listening, she will ask you the very same question in her next sentence to prove that she was not listening. She will talk in a whiny voice and has an illness a day. You are forced to listen to her go on and on about nothing or about her recent doctor and ER trips. She is that sticky sweet personality on the outside but will wield a knife in your back the instant you turn around. Yes, I still have the knife marks to prove it. There is no arguing a point or discussing anything with her because she is always right. And yet, knows nothing of what she speaks. She doesn't handle herself very well in social settings so to cover up that fact, she talks, talks, talks, talks and talks to the brink of insanity. But, when you feel that this person is a friend, you try to overlook things and even make excuses for her to other people.

Then, if you have something that she wants or if she wants a situation you are in, instead of discussing it and getting things out in the open or even allowing the other person to assure her that she has nothing to worry about, she takes matters into her own hands and causes hurt feelings, anger, and a vow to never deal with her on any level, again. And, that is successful for awhile. But then circumstances draw you back into her web. Except, this time you are smarter and wiser and see right through her. You don't like her, trust her or even want to hear the babble that she comes up with. This is where it gets murky on what kind of relationship you have.

In her mind, just because you are able to speak to her, smile at her and carry on a slight conversation, you are bffs, again. Not so. But, not wanting to cause a big war, I continue to smile and converse about trivial things. I know that she will never reach my inner level of friendship, again. I keep her at an arms length and let her talk so much that even she finally tires of herself.

What do you call this relationship? Why is it so hard to try to endure these kinds of relationships? I actually am on countdown mode until the very day when my life does not have to interact with her life. I think what makes it so hard for me is my inability to live in the gray zone. With me, you are either in or you are out. This really tests me. I am in a quandry each time we have to connect.

I think it would be easier if she wasn't the type of person who is so full of herself. If she took some time to just breathe and be silent and not act like a toddler when she is not getting her way.

I am reading a book about fashion and manners and in the book, the author makes a statement that is so true and it reminded me of the relationship I have with this former says something to the effect that it is always the person who is the loudest and so full of herself that always thinks she is the life of the party. Or the most popular or the most intelligent. When, actually, it is better to have a bit of mystery about you, actually listen to what your friends are saying, quit talking at people and start talking to people. Stop bragging and just try to sit and smile. Don't go behind someone's back. Politely ask this person if you can talk and find out the truth in a situation. It is never nice or polite to stab your so called friend when she isn't looking. Try to be the kind of friend that you want to have.

In my ever changing moods, I will continue with this relationship just for the sake of others. I have no name for it, I don't even know how to converse in it but it would make it much easier if the other person didn't think she was such a legend and actually just sat, silently, and let the world revolve around others for just a minute.

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