Thursday, April 15, 2010

Leave The Pieces

The last few days have been busy ones for me. I am juggling a few different projects and trying to organize and brainstorm something else. At the same time, lots of outside work has been needed on Maggie's Farm so I have been a busy girl. My grandfather was the one who instilled in me the importance of being busy, working with your hands, always doing your own work and to take pride in your work. He used to tell me that busy hands would keep you out of trouble and that idle hands would always lead to trouble. He made sure I was busy every minute of spare time when I was growing He was a good guy and to this day, there isn't a minute when I am doing yardwork that I don't think of him and his helpful hints on passing the time while you are doing tedious yard projects. One of his hints was always to use this time to let your mind plan the next activity. I tend to plan a dinner party or a cocktail soiree or a fab outfit. But, a lot of times my mind will start thinking about stuff that is going on in my life or the cheerleader's life or Mr. Man's life. It can be very helpful to be outside, working with your hands and thinking your way through different things in your life.

I had to be outside, a lot, yesterday, after I was on the phone with someone that is helping me on a project. We started talking, off topic, and our conversation blurred into an event that happened, last year. It involved parents and a lot of stupidity and a lot of anger and a lot of hurt. One of those situations that if one or more of the parents had taken a second to realize they were wrong, or bothered to get the right information, or quit worrying about trying to be the big cheese, it all could have been avoided. But, you know as well as I know that many people do not let cooler heads prevail. And, last year's target happened to be me. I am not going into specifics or details. But, it hurt, it caused friendships to be re-evaluated and it took a TON of soul searching on my part to be able to let myself come back around. I have been able to put myself in a place of neutrality where once had been great friendships. I am able to smile instead of cry. I am able to hold civil conversations without me wanting to stab eyes out with a cocktail swizzle stick.

The person who is helping me on this project mentioned that I am a bigger person than she could ever be for putting things into perspective and carrying on. After I got off the phone and started my work, outside, I let my mind think about this statement and what it meant. In my ever changing moods, I was both flattered and saddened. I was flattered both by being thought of in this way and flattered that this person actually took the time to notice the silent pain I was in, last year. See, I am the kind of person that will internalize. I don't lash out, I don't let off a can of whoop ass, I don't throw hysterical scenes. But, I do feel hurt. Maybe more so since I take it all inside of me. I refused, last year, to stoop to the lower level of some. I chose to look on, head held high, in public. Of course, behind closed doors I was an upset mess but to the public and in front of those certain people, I uttered not a word. But, I was also saddened at her comment. Sad that because of the way some people chose to handle a situation, friendships were lost. I can now talk to them and help them and console them. But, I will never forget the knife in my back. So, because of that, I cannot be the carefree friend. I have to be the guarded, used to be a friend, kind of girl.

I kept going over the phrase...You are a bigger person...I am not a bigger person. I think age and maturity and maybe a bit of wisdom has shown me when a battle is worth fighting and when a battle is worth just walking away from and letting the crazies all battle it out. Stepping back, walking away are the hardest options in my opinion. They call for a cool head and a calm manner. These qualities are seriously lacking in so many people, these days. So many times, people are so quick to want to fight and be heard and to look important. They don't seem to care how they make another person feel or that they are shattering a friendship or who gets hurt. They want to be the one on top, the top dog, the one running the show. Does it make me the bigger person because I choose to step back? No. I am not the bigger person. I have just gotten really good at picking up the pieces after everyone explodes. I have gotten really good at talking myself through things and moving on. I have found the ability to be friendly but not best friends.

In my ever changing moods, the crazy people can act crazy and hurtful and leave the pieces because there will always be people like me to put the pieces back together and move on. I may emerge with less friends but at least I emerge with some dignity.

So, what my grandfather didn't realize all of those years ago when he was busy keeping my hands busy, is that he also taught me that while working, I am able to solve many problems of the world. Well, at least the problems in my world. Who knows, maybe if we had a Busy Hands Day, it would give everyone a time to reflect on their actions, what they could have done differently and how they can correct the problems that they created. The pieces could all be fixed and everyone could be happy...

No comments: